I feel limp and miserable.
My nights are punctuated by trips to the toilet, more often than not leaking en route. I don’t have any control and often don’t even feel it happening. It just seems to pour out of me. I go through about 7 pairs of knickers each night. Last night I leaked on the bed and had to wait for someone to change the sheet. I’ve now resorted to no knickers and have a pad on the bed. I’ve never in my life had diarrhoeia like this, but it’s all due to the chemotherapy. They’re giving me Loperamide now to help abate the flow.
My mouth is still too dry to swallow so I spend a lot of time spitting up saliva, often making me retch. My face is all puffed up. I can’t even cry because it takes too much energy and hurts. I whimper a bit, but mostly I stay quiet and look pathetic.
My oxygen saturation was low so they hooked me up to an oxygen tube, with little pipes pouring cool air into my nose. I can only tolerate it for short periods as it makes my nose run. They’ve also given me platelets and red blood cells. I hoped that might invigorate me, but I still feel so wretched.
I think my temperature is more or less back to normal, but I’m still on antibiotics. To be honest, I don’t care any more. They come in and do things and I lie here and wait to sleep again.
I’ve not had my blood results for the past couple of days, so will ask for them today, but I suspect I will notice any changes in my body before I see figures.
I can’t believe that a nurse just asked me if I managed to get to some garden party yesterday…????!!!!! I told him not to be so bloody stupid. I couldn’t help myself. Being this miserable doesn’t make me a very nice or tolerant person. But really, what a bloody stupid question!!!!
It’s possible, just possible, that I might be feeling very slightly better, a little bit more responsive to the world. I’m trying to sip some Ribena, but it still hurts to swallow.