Confidence… and new growth

Only three weeks since diagnosis… feels like a lifetime.

I am starting to feel a bit stronger, a bit more in control, a bit less terrified and shocked, a bit less overwhelmed by tiredness and the effects of the drugs, a bit more demanding about what I want from life, and a bit more bored and wondering how my life is going to be over the next year or so.

Last night, I had a tentative conversation about the possibility of cycling today. I felt and still feel very nervous about the idea. My friend was very encouraging, saying that actually cycling on the flat (fortunately, it’s very flat where I live) would probably be less tiring than walking. So, with much trepidation, a plan was hatched… my friend would cycle with me, so I might feel a bit more confident, less scared. This felt HUGE!!!!!

I am so lucky to live just 5 minutes from a delightful nature reserve… with lots of wild birds, trees, river and large ex-gravel-pit lakes, which I have very much enjoyed dog-walking and cycling over the past three years.

Unfortunately, this morning I woke up in pain, twinges in my ribs under both breasts, like someone poking a finger hard in the same two spots. Just rolling myself over in bed was decidedly uncomfortable and I had to use the bedpost and door handle to lever myself out of bed. It was sadly not the day to jump on a bicycle!

In fact, I spent a substantial part of the day dozing on the couch. And that’s just how it is. I can’t tell yet, from one day to the next, how I will feel, how tired or energetic I will be, whether my head is clear enough to complete bureaucratic forms or make serious phone calls, or if I just have to loll around feeling shaky and staring into space.

Mostly, I wonder how much of my sense of being able to do things is down to confidence, or lack thereof. I know that my blood count is low, so I know I am likely to get tired and breathless and maybe that I CAN’T do some things. But I don’t know how much I CAN do. I don’t fully trust my body or head to do what I want. The frustrated part of me just wants to get on and do things, but I know I have to take it easy.

I am starting to wonder how much “taking it easy” is simply being scared of overdoing it, of tiring myself, of maybe discovering that I can in fact do more than I think…? More on this later, I’m sure.

Later this afternoon, my friend and I sowed some seeds into seed trays. I was able to wash out the old seed trays at the kitchen sink, but then my back began to hurt and I had to sit down and just direct my friend in her endeavours. Nonetheless, a successful project… now sitting expectantly on the window sill of my back porch are trays of sweet corn, tomatoes, courgettes and sweet peppers. Great team work!!!

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About Jet Black

I began blogging because having been diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, I wanted to share my experiences of living with an incurable cancer. Through blogging, I discovered that I enjoy writing. I have always chosen to live life for the journey, more than the destination. This is as true for the act of writing as it is for living with myeloma, so these are two things I do: I live and I write!
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